So I only go on tumblr when I’m absolutely torn. And at this moment, I’m in fact absolutely torn.
I have one week to decide on a college. One week. 50-50 chance.
University of California San Diego or University of Florida.
Be in debt for the rest of my life because of out of state tuition or cheaper college education. Move my entire family to California, where we all want to go or stay in boring Weston for another 5 years, where we all don’t want to stay…
I thought going to Cali would make things better. Such as making a definite decision. But it didn’t. It made everything more confusing and now I don’t even know what to do or think and I can’t ask anyone for advice because they’re all biased and of course they’re going to convince me to go to UF… But what they don’t understand is that California is my dream. It’s where I belong. It’s where I’ll be able to blossom and become who I truly am. It’s a part of me. I’ve never lived there, only been there for a few months when I was younger and visited my grandparents.. But somehow, I feel at home there. Weston, where I’ve lived for 15 years, has never given me that sensation of “home”. Landing in California, I felt like I was finally home, to where I belong. And you know what? I worked pretty hard to get where I’m at. I feel like I deserve to go to San Diego. Sure, it’s not UCLA or Berkeley, but it’s still a good school. I tried my best to get into the others, but I guess I wasn’t meant to be there. I felt like a fail for a really long time after my well-written rejection letters. I did, I admit it. (I still kind of feel like a fail). Just because I didn’t get into any “top” schools. According to the Asian family. In the Asian community, my achievements are not the best. Sure, but I tried my best, and I worked with everything I had, with everything going on. I need to be given SOME credit for the things I went through… Maybe SOME kind of reward.. like maybe “hey Julie, you worked really hard, you deserve to go to the school you want because you went through a lot to get there and you deserve it!”. Maybe. UCSD is a really nice school. I can myself there, studying at Geisel library, taking the shuttle around campus back to Eleanor Roosevelt college where I’ll be living right next to the ocean, pasta for lunch at ERC’s Café Ventanas… Calling myself a Triton.
Too bad I don’t have much support from the most important people in my life to follow my dreams.
UF, they say.
UF’s not bad, it’s just not where I belong.
So much make up work.
I need sleep.
I arrived on a plane this morning at 6 AM, got 3 hours of sleep, actually went to school, got to school in time to take a totally unexpected micro FRQ (I haven’t studied micro since… micro. in like december.) unpacked, and then the relay meeting, and now I have so much make up work plus homework and AP exams to study for which are only 2 weeks away, plus relay to prepare for which is on Saturday and it’s so much work, so much preparing, finding chaperones and the bake sale and tents and making sure everyone knows how to behave properly, and fundraising and managing the team all on my own… and friends to deal with and my grandmother coming tomorrow… Plus stupid boy problems like today makes a year and i don’t even want to think about it, it makes me depressed. and prom- I don’t even want to go to prom anymore, and this really long AP bio worksheet to make up and a really long essay and project to do for English like due tomorrow.. And Chinese… And now I’m having an allergy attack. Great.
I know it doesn’t sound like a lot and I’m rambling a lot, but it’s so much to take in and so much to handle and such hard life decisions…
I’m dreading May 1st.
Of course it feels like a dream, it’s been so long. This day came so fast and yet so slow. A day full of regret. What a pity.
Just thought I’d stop by. On my new app. On my new iPhone (:
P.S. I’m going to Cali on thursdayyyy!(:
Stumbled upon old voicemails… I have to honestly say, it shocked me a little when I heard your voice say those three words again.
When I come to you with my troubles I am not asking for you to tell me what I want to hear. I’m not asking for encouragement, nor am I asking for hope. I am simply asking for a hug, a kiss on my forehead, a hand through my hair. Because those things mean so much more to me than the typical “you’ll get through this” bullshit.